


the madness game

by logictron



Category: The Brave (TV 2017)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-03-27 10:57:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logictron/pseuds/logictron
Summary: Amir had put certain things in his life to rest. Until he hadn't.Someone wrote me a lovely prompt for Amir and McG so here we are. And yes, that slash is there for a reason. :)





	1. Chapter 1: Written Off

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, I've been mulling this over and over and over since it appeared in my askbox. It was such a lovely prompt with so much potential. I haven't written m/m stuff in a really long time (for public consumption, anyway), so this will be an adventure. I left no tags and no rating just yet as I have no idea where, exactly, this will end up.
> 
> This particular chapter takes place during the pilot, between the team's return to Turkey and the bombing on the beach. It is a bit short but there will be more!!
> 
> Everyone will probably be making appearances in here but for now, it's just these two and Jaz. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

Admittedly, Amir wrote McG off almost immediately. The medic was too familiar, like the guys Amir had known in high school, the ones who had viewed him as an experiment, fueled by alcohol and hormones. Not that he'd been much better in those days, but he'd changed. And he didn't think McG had done the same.

 

But then, after the first mission, as soon as they'd gotten back to base, McG had surprised him.

 

"Look, man, I know you don't want me poking and prodding but you gotta let me take a look, alright? Last thing we both need is Top breathing down our necks because I took a knife to you and didn't bother cleaning up after myself." It wasn't so much the words that caught Amir's attention, but the way McG was looking at him, apologetic and a little awed.

 

"Fine," he relented. "Just...not here."

 

There were too many marks, too many scars, and the last thing Amir had no interest in being grilled about them. Thankfully, McG simply nodded and led him into the bathroom, locking the door behind them.

 

Steeling himself, Amir tugged his shirt over his head, schooling away the wince that came from the pain in his arm. He'd withstood far worse. McG, however, had a less prepared poker face.

 

"Jesus, I had no idea," he muttered.

 

To draw a steady breath with Joseph's eyes on him took work, for no other reason than vulnerability. Amir had to actively remind himself the people here, his teammates, could be trusted. With the focus of the mission behind him, he was finding it mildly challenging to keep that in mind.

 

"You wouldn't," he replied finally, shrugging, offering his injured arm.

 

"If you ever want to talk about it...I've been around the block a time or two is what I'm saying," Joseph said, gingerly taking his arm. His hands, warm and steady, made Amir's breath shallow again. But the heat curling under his skin wasn't fear.

 

Trying to conjure the last time someone had touched him, actively, in kindness, Amir came up empty. And with Joseph's all too gentle competence, an old, slumbering beast awoke inside him, reminding him what it was to have this, to be human.

 

"A couple stitches should do it. Antibiotics, just to make sure. Alright?" McG asked, his hands still on Amir's arm.

 

He nodded and leaned back against the sink, suddenly tired, drained from fighting this never-ending battle. Blessedly, Joseph said nothing and focused on his work.

 

"All done." Joseph's voice was too close and too low, one hand still on Amir's arm. Opening his eyes didn't help any. "You did good."

 

Amir wasn't sure if he was talking about the stitches or the mission. "Thanks."

 

"You should get cleaned up. Roughed up isn't a bad look on you but the blood is a little much." Joseph's eyes crinkled at the corners, his mouth tugging up on one side, and dammit, Amir's stomach fluttered. It only added a second of hesitation to his reply but McGuire wasn't dumb. He noticed. His smile grew.

 

"Yeah, alright. Thanks," Amir said finally.

 

"You already said that," Joseph teased, finally letting go and stepping back. The loss felt too cold, too heavy. Amir's grip on the sink tightened.

 

"So I did."

 

A knock on the door startled them both.

 

"Will you two stop hogging the damn bathroom already?" Jaz called.

 

"Alright, alright, keep your damn pants on, Jazzy." Joseph winked at him, fucking _actually_ winked at him, before unlocking the door. And then Jaz was standing there instead, and that was enough to break whatever strange spell had been woven.

 

"You look like hell," Jaz noted.

 

"Thanks." Amir almost rolled his eyes. Apparently, pairing with her on a mission hadn't been enough to curtail whatever distaste she felt at him being here.

 

"It wasn't a compliment." Surprisingly, she was actually smiling. Maybe he was wrong.

 

"I know," he muttered, chuckling mostly to himself as he ducked past her toward the showers.

 

With his first mission under his belt, Amir couldn't help but reflect. Apparently, the first lesson he was to learn here was to stop writing people off. Old habits died hard, but he was starting to think it might be worth the effort.


	2. scars unseen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-bombing, Amir's past creeps up on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I wasn't expecting much in posting the first chapter of this. You guys have been so great! I'm so glad you're enjoying this little exploration. :) I hope you find this next chapter equally enjoyable.
> 
> As per usual, any/all mistakes are mine. This was mostly written on my phone while at work so, there's probably a few things I didn't catch.

The bombing rattled him, but not in the way one might expect. Because it took a few days to settle in. There were no immediate consequences, the trauma safely moored behind years and years of coping mechanisms and compartmentalization. But the lack of action in the days following the attack gave Amir too much time to think. And thinking meant not sleeping. Which was how Amir found himself sitting out on the picnic table in the middle of the night, staring blankly at the fire pit. There was enough chill to the air that he should've brought an extra layer, but going back inside felt like too much work.

 

Besides, the cold felt like punishment for his inaction, and that felt appropriate.

 

There was barely a shift, barely a sound, but he sensed McG long before his figure materialized in the doorway of the hut. For a minute, Amir was mad. He'd been quiet. He wanted solitude, to be swallowed up in his guilt, to let the anger simmer without an audience. But all of that faded as Joseph got closer.

 

"It's cold," McG remarked, shoulders hunching, though it did nothing to detract from his height.

 

"You should go back to bed." Amir refocused his gaze from the pit to Joseph. It was a mistake. The way the thin cotton of his Henley clung to his chest, the way Amir could watch him breathe, it dragged him out of his head and into something else entirely.

 

"So should you." McGuire regarded him evenly, but even in the moonlight, his concern was obvious.

 

"No use. Can't sleep." Admitting it aloud felt like failure. For all his time undercover, for everything he'd endured, he'd held it all, shouldering the weight of it. His burden alone.

 

So caught up in his thoughts, Amir missed Joseph reaching for him until it was too late. He jerked at the touch, recoiling out of habit.

 

"Sorry, I should've...I know better. You're freezing," he explained, apologetic.

 

"Do you always do that? Apologize for things that aren't your fault?" Amir asked, his skin still warm from the shock of Joseph's touch. 

 

"Do you always deflect?" 

 

"Touché," Amir muttered.

 

"Come on, man, can I at least talk you into going inside?" For all of McG's pleading, Amir couldn't help but note he didn't seem particularly cold. Montana winters, he'd heard, were notoriously brutal. The mild chill of the desert was nothing by comparison.

 

"Being inside sometimes makes me feel...trapped. Caged." There was a history there he wouldn't be divulging tonight. Maybe ever. But for now, this would do. Amir wasn't entirely sure why.

 

"Okay." Giving a reason had the desired effect of assuaging McG's need to get him back to bed. It almost seemed like he might go back inside and leave Amir alone again. Instead of the relief he expected to feel at the thought, there was only an uneasy filling, pitted with loneliness.

 

"You don't have to go."

 

"I'm not. Just hold on." If Amir's response stirred any surprise in McG, he hid it well.

 

He disappeared, leaving Amir alone under the open sky. The cold felt less welcome now. He could make out the tendrils of his breath, just barely. It was easy to imagine his soul seeping out of him, into the darkness, leaving him hollow, hardened against bombings and blood and terror. A welcome reprieve.

 

"Hey." The voice was carefully tempered, designed to get his attention without startling, and it worked, though Amir couldn't help the chagrin at the melancholy of his thoughts.

 

The weight of the blanket on his shoulders did a bit to drive out the darkness. The presence of the man beside him took care of the rest. Again, exhaustion spread through the spaces left behind.

 

"You didn't have to do that," Amir said, lulled by the company and the warmth, the spice of McG's preferred cologne just barely escaping the fleece as Amir pulled it tighter around him.

 

"Do you only do things you have to do?" Joseph asked, joining him on the table, the wood shifting under them.

 

The question hung for a long moment, long enough for some of the warm ease to dissipate, as Amir considered it. "Yes," he said finally. "For a long time now."

 

"You're missing out, man," McG said. "You should reconsider. Otherwise, in there, out here...all you are is trapped."

 

"Maybe it's what I deserve." For all of his admissions tonight, that one rubbed him raw and set him on edge all over again.

 

"Do you think we all got here by chance?" McG asked. "Like we all ended up here through hard work and determination? No. I don't know all your demons, Amir. But you're not the only one who has them. You sure as hell don't get here without them."

 

Amir hummed, noncommittal. 

 

"You don't deserve to hurt. I think that's what you think, like that helps somehow. It doesn't. Pain doesn't fix pain. There's not some finite amount, where you taking it means someone else doesn't have to."

 

Already vulnerable, Amir narrowly fought the urge to withdraw entirely, to retreat back to his room and lock out Joseph and his strangely perceptive nature. 

 

"I'm not trying to call you out," Joseph said, his voice gentler. Amir's breath stuttered through his teeth. It could've been from the cold. It wasn't. "I just...I want you to know that this, being here on this team, is worth fighting for, trying for. Whatever happened to you before..." He paused and Amir knew he was recalling the scars he'd seen. "It's different here. We care. I care."

 

"You shouldn't." It was self-deprecating and maybe a little petty, but it was easier to keep his guard up without worrying how other people felt.

 

Strangely, Joseph laughed, though there was a tinge of sadness to it that Amir couldn't shake. "You say that like I have a choice."

 

Of all the things Joseph had said tonight, that was the one thing Amir could accept. Because under the infinity of an inky black sky, mere miles from where the world had literally exploded around them, Joseph had started to break him wide open, and Amir had had no say in that at all.


	3. worth the effort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-Mexico, Amir contemplates McGuire's late night advice. McGuire thinks he can drive a motorcycle. Jaz is a ninja. All in a day's work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on we go. This chapter was a little difficult, not sure why. But here it is.
> 
> I didn't choose McG reading HP. That's canon.
> 
> Reviews feed my hungry, hungry soul. Kudos work too (and hey, if you've already left kudos, you can literally just leave a comment that says "kudos!" and it works just as nicely. :))

After their middle of the night conversation, McGuire backed off, which was the right choice. Amir knew himself well enough to know how likely it was for him to shut down if he felt too vulnerable, and for reasons he had yet to figure out, Joseph had a way of getting under his skin.

 

There was a night, though, a couple days after they returned from Ukraine, where Amir woke up in the middle of the night to quiet voices through the wall. Hypervigilence was nearly impossible to shake and he couldn't help but be aware of every slight shift in the environment, even in sleep.

 

He recognized both voices instantly, one belonging to Joseph, the other to Jaz, and, while he knew he shouldn't be listening to a private conversation,he couldn't help being a little nosy.

 

"I just miss him," she said, obviously frustrated.

 

"I hear you, Jazzy. I miss him too. Every damn day. But that's not Amir's fault." McGuire's voice was edged with a sadness Amir hadn't heard before. It was almost comforting to know he'd been telling the truth: they all carried their own baggage, their own scars.

 

"I know that. I'm not stupid. I'm trying, okay?"

 

"You sure about that? Doesn't seem like it." That Joseph was defending him made Amir strangely warm.

 

"Whose side are you on here, anyway?"

 

"See, that's your problem. There are no sides. We're all on the same team."

 

"Okay, Dr. Phil, thanks for your input."

 

"Just give him a chance, okay? It's not easy for him to be here. You don't know what he's dealing with."

 

"Someone came around real quick," Jaz snorted. "What're you, crushing on the guy?"

 

Amir found himself holding his breath at that.

 

"Don't be a jerk. Just come here."

 

The voices stopped or got too quiet for him to hear after that. In the morning, he found Jaz's door open and her bed empty, but there was no one in the common area. When she and McG appeared sometime later, seconds from each other, Amir deduced she'd spent the night in his room. He couldn't help but notice Jaz seemed a little more subdued than usual and actually looked somewhat apologetic whenever he caught her eye. Amir wasn't exactly sure what he'd done to deserve Joseph coming to his defense, but whatever it was, he was grateful.

 

So things leveled out. Mexico finally felt smooth, for as unpredictable as the mission was. He finally felt like he understood how things worked here, and he liked it, and with Jaz teasing him, he wondered if they were really making progress. It was a start, at least.

 

On the flight home, Joseph sank into the seat beside him.

 

"You know I'm jealous you got to ride a motorcycle," he said, putting to rest whatever concerns Amir had about his intentions for appearing so suddenly.

 

"Do you even know how to ride?" Amir asked, casting him a skeptical glance, compete with a perfectly arched brow.

 

"What, like it's hard? It's like a giant bicycle. But faster. And louder," McG reasoned. Amir swore he was pouting a little.

 

"And that mentality is exactly why Top'll never let you ride."

 

"I'm sorry _let_ me? It's not like I need permission."

 

"Okay, yeah, I'll let you tell him that," Amir chuckled, shaking his head. How the petulant child beside him was the same person who had so easily seen to the darkest part of him was baffling to him.

 

"You know, I think I'll pass on that one," McG relented with a boyish grin.

 

"I think that's a wise decision," Amir said. They sat in silence for a bit, and the vulnerability crept back in. "I never thanked you for your company the other night."

 

"You don't owe me thanks for that," Joseph said, looking up at him in mild surprise. "I just hope I didn't scare you off. Wasn't trying to."

 

"Not quite. I just wanted you to know, I've been thinking a lot about what you said. It'll take some work but I think you're right. It's worth the effort." Amir knew it wasn't that simple. There were years of conditioning to be undone, and relearning how to form relationships and trust people. But it was, at least, a start.

 

"Oh, I'm definitely right. Always am." Joseph smirked. It was the damn smirk that brought back the overheard comment, the one Amir had aggressively compartmentalized, the one where Jaz accused McGuire of having a crush on him.

 

So while the man beside him busied himself with a book (he was most of the way through Harry Potter now, it seemed), Amir was left remembering the part of himself he'd sworn off years ago. The part the teenage version of himself had been convinced he'd grow out of. The one that liked kissing boys. The one that liked the hard press of a body against his own. Bodies that belonged to guys that looked a lot like the man beside him.

 

But beyond his own personal boundaries, there were now professional ones. And Amir had no interest in ruining what he'd only just begun to build. So he tucked the thoughts away again, stopping his thoughts in their tracks. Amir was good at that. He'd had years of practice.

 

"You alright, man?" Joseph's voice startled him out of his thoughts and Amir cursed under his breath.

 

"Fine. Just thinking," Amir said, at least managing to keep his voice level.

 

"Yeah? Those are some pretty intense thoughts."

 

"Any thoughts are intense where you're concerned," Jaz pointed out, materializing seemingly from nowhere."It's why you're reading books for teenyboppers."

 

"Excuse me, Harry Potter is a cultural phenomenon," McGuire defended. "And nobody asked you, anyway. Why aren't you pestering Top?"

 

"He's sleeping. Besides, you're more fun." Jaz caught Amir's eye and he swore the corners of her mouth twitched upward just a little bit. He inclined his head in thanks, not entirely sure what he was thanking her for. But that was something he wasn't willing to think about right now.

 

Instead, he closed his eyes and listened to them bicker, and it lulled him right to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm putting a solid "T" rating on this chapter. There are...things.

Spain was harder than it should've been. Amir knew that. He knew it as soon as he walked away from the bar, leaving Joseph with the pretty brunette he'd so effortlessly picked up. He had no business being jealous, none at all. But going back to the safehouse with Preach, he couldn't stop imagining what Joseph was doing, whether he'd gone home with her.

 

Thankfully, Preach said nothing when they got back and Amir immediately went to take a shower. He stood under the cold spray, leaning his forehead against the wall, and tried not to think about the other man.

 

But it had been far too long since he'd indulged this particular part of himself, and the images came too readily. Joseph's smile and his voice and his hands. The perfect lines of his body. No amount of ice water would chase away the heat, so Amir gave in, fighting the heat with more heat, until he was shuddering and swallowing back Joseph's name.

 

Things did get a little easier after that. At least temporarily. Amir had gotten it out of his system, and it wasn't like McGuire was regularly seducing women. So everything was fine.

 

Until it wasn't. Until things got very, very _not_ fine. Until Paris.

 

For all the work he'd done to put the past behind him, to start living a little more freely, getting the call was a kick in the gut. Having to reveal this part of himself to the team, letting them see who he was capable of being, was a daunting prospect. Before even getting in the humvee, he could feel whatever small progress he'd made with Jaz evaporating, and even without being handed all the pieces to the puzzle, Amir could surmise that sending any member of the team into harm's way without every possible base covered had to be difficult for her. It wasn't something he could spend a lot of time dwelling on. Not today.

 

The transition to Hamid took time. It took longer than Amir expected, honestly, which was both a relief and terrifying. He couldn't risk this not being perfect. There was too much at stake. He sequestered himself on the plane, running over connections--names, histories,places. It was all etched so deep into his psyche that he knew he'd take it to the grave, but going over it helped to settle him.

 

Joseph found him before they split up, and if he meant to hide his concern, he did a shitty job. Any other day, Amir would find it endearing. Today, it was a minor annoyance.

 

"You do your job, I'll do mine," he said curtly, and he swore he saw a flash of hurt before McGuire got into the driver's side of the secondary car. Amir tabled that for later, too.

 

For as emotionally prepared as Amir was for all the baggage that came along with going back undercover, things still crawled under his skin. Nothing outward, of course. Well, aside from his little volley with Jaz. But he could tell, long before the mission had ended, that the fallout would be noticeable, no matter his efforts to the contrary.

 

That knowledge only grew after he buried the knife in Omar's chest, after he walked away with bloodstained hands. Shooting people was one thing. This was something else. He'd forgotten what it did to him.

 

Surprisingly, it was Jaz who brought him back down a bit. She reached for him as they made their way back out of the market, a silent peace-offering. An apology, maybe. Whatever the case, Amir took it. It was enough to get him home.

 

Sleep wouldn't come for some time. Disappearing into Hamid took time, coming back into himself took twice as long. He spent a while in the shower, scrubbing the blood off his skin, though it was long gone. And then he spent a while praying, because it left little of his mind free for anything else. And then he made his way back outside, because tonight was definitely one of those nights where being inside was too stifling.

 

He should've guessed Joseph would be there. But he hadn't, and by the time he registered the shadowy figure in one of the lawn chairs, it was too late to go back. There was nowhere safe enough to go back to.

 

"I thought you might come out here," Joseph said, by way of explanation.

 

"You should go."

 

"This again?" Joseph sighed but made no move to get up. "Look, I think you think I'm here out of some sort of obligation or sense of pity or whatever. Is it really so hard to think that I might actually like you?"

 

"You don't know me," Amir said, not angry so much as factual. He was too tired for anger.

 

"You want to know a man, you fight beside him. You put your life in his hands and take his in yours and trust that he has your back. You have my back. That's all I need to know."

 

Amir hadn't considered that. He'd been fighting alone for so long that the dynamics here still confused him.

 

"I don't know what it is you want from me."

 

"To be totally honest, neither do I. But I know watching you go under like that scared the shit out of me. And I don't scare easily," Joseph said.

 

"I thought you said you could trust me." Amir frowned. He could accept Jaz not believing in him. But McGuire had always been on his side. He'd underestimated what that meant to him until just now.

 

"Jesus, man, it didn't scare me because I didn't trust you. It scared me because I didn't want to lose you." 

 

Amir stared at him, unblinking. He'd done nearly nothing to deserve the kind of attention Joseph was so willing to give him. And the kind of attention Amir selfishly wanted wasn't on the table.

 

"I'm sorry to have scared you. I didn't mean to be cold. I just needed to be focused," he said finally.

 

"I get that." Joseph leaned forward onto his knees. "Are you okay?"

 

Amir sighed. Of course he'd want to talk, to drag out Amir's vulnerabilities, leave him exposed.

 

"I'm better than I should be," he said finally.

 

"You feel guilty?"

 

"Not for this, no. But becoming someone else--someone like that--comes at a cost," Amir explained. He was still standing, he realized, so he sank almost gingerly onto the bench of the picnic table, his body still adjusting to being Amir.

 

Joseph stood almost as soon as he'd settled, and sank down beside him instead. "You're shaking," he noted, his hand lightly resting over Amir's where they were clasped tightly between his knees.

 

His touch sparked a now familiar but no less shocking heat that almost had Amir withdrawing. But the thing about transitioning from one persona to another, was that it took so much energy, Amir's typically solid defenses were immensely weakened.

 

"You're gonna give me a complex, reacting to me like that," Joseph murmured, his thumb dragging carefully over the hollow of Amir's wrist. He shuddered. "Now that's just gonna make me want to kiss you."

 

"Joseph..." It was meant to be a warning. Even to Amir's own ears, it didn't sound much like one.

 

"I won't. Unless you tell me to, I won't. I hope you trust me enough to know that." The soft pressure of McGuire's fingers stilled, then disappeared. Amir finally looked up.

 

"Why?"

 

"Why do I want to kiss you? Jesus, why do I want to kiss anyone? Because I care. Because I like you...because I want to know how your mouth tastes," Joseph replied, and Amir knew he could keep fighting, but he was slipping and there was no way he was going to catch himself now.

 

"Then do it," he whispered hoarsely.

 

"What?"

 

"Kiss me." Amir was basically pleading and he knew it, but he couldn't stop.

 

Joseph stared at him for what felt like an eternity, evaluating, trying to decide something, Whatever it was finally resolved, and Joseph's mouth sought his, careful but sure. Amir had forgotten what this felt like, to kiss someone like this, someone he wanted. It stoked a deep yearning inside him that nearly swallowed him whole. He pulled away, panting shallowly.

 

"Okay?" Joseph asked.

 

"We can't do this here." In the CIA, there was leeway. Here, there was none. Amir knew that. There was no way Joseph didn't.

 

"I know," he said. "We should talk. But not tonight."

 

That much, Amir could definitely agree with, even with his lips tingling and his skin buzzing.

 

"You gonna be able to sleep?" Joseph asked.

 

"Not yet."

 

"Do you want me to stay?"

 

Amir's jaw worked, his response stuck in his throat. He managed a nod instead.

 

Joseph settled closer, reclining against the table, draping his arm casually behind Amir and resting his hand against his back. It took a few seconds for the tension in him to ease, but when it did, he finally stopped shaking. If he noticed, Joseph didn't say anything. He didn't pull his hand away and Amir didn't want him to.

 

Coming back into himself was a hell of a lot easier when he wasn't trying to hide.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amir and McG finally talk about what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took a couple days longer than I expected it to!! Thanks for the continued support and response to this fic!! I know, sometimes, people struggle with pairings that are really outside of canon, and some people have never really read anything slash-y before! So I really appreciate all of you willing to give this a shot.
> 
> As a side note, the end rating for this fic will be M. I will clearly mark that chapter (it's still a few away). This chapter is still solidly in T territory.
> 
> Extra special things to UndercoverWaterMoon for the beta! Any and all mistakes are (still) mine. The Brave is (still) not.

For three days, McGuire was rarely more than half a room away from him. He wasn't imposing or demanding, just a steady presence. He even made up excuses to tag along when Amir headed to mosque, which was a strange adjustment to make. Amir was used to having the walk to center himself, clearing his mind of outside thoughts in preparation for prayer. So, it surprised him that he didn’t mind the company.

 

"We should probably talk one of these days- if you're up for it. Before we ship out again," Joseph offered as they passed through the base checkpoint on the third day. 

 

"Can I ask what you're hoping to gain here?" Amir asked. The hurt in Joseph's eyes told him it had been the wrong thing to ask. "I don't mean...Look, I'm only saying, if this is some sort of experiment or just a casual hookup, I'd like to know. That's all."

 

"Do I seem like the kind of guy who needs to complicate things?"

 

"You slept with Paloma." It was a low blow and he knew it, but Amir's track record with men was staggeringly bad. He was more than a little gun-shy. 

 

"I--Wait, were you jealous?" The idea stopped Joseph short; a perplexed look on his face that was almost comical. Amir frowned.

 

"You are entitled to sleep with whomever you choose."

 

"So, that's a yes, then." McGuire's surprised expression morphed into one of mild amusement. "I won't sleep with anyone else."

 

Amir stopped walking at that. "What do you mean?"

 

"I mean, that's kind of how this works...how it would work, if you wanted it to. I know we can't date, exactly. Still, I wouldn't be seeing anyone else. Contrary to popular belief, I do have some self-control," Joseph said, one corner of his mouth tugging upward.

 

"You want to...date me?" Even just saying the words felt strange.

 

"Jesus, why do you sound so surprised? Is it really that big of a leap between wanting to kiss you and wanting to date you?" he asked, affection tempering his disbelief.

 

"Frankly? Yes," Amir replied, starting to walk again. Standing on the side of the road in the middle of the desert wasn't entirely ideal.

 

"Has anyone ever told you you're emotionally dense?" Joseph asked, nudging him with his elbow.

 

"What does that say about you?" Amir quipped.

 

"Let me know when you figure that out," McG laughed.

 

They walked in silence for a bit, Amir still processing the idea that there was the possibility here for more.

 

"There are rules," he said finally.

 

"I know. Like I said, I know this can't exactly be official. I'm not looking to get either of us transferred."

 

"But there's always a chance. You're willing to risk it?" Amir asked.

 

"Absolutely," Joseph replied without hesitation. He'd already given serious thought to that scenario, Amir realized, but Joseph continued before he could process the implications of that, "But, I mean, you're like, a super spy, right? We should be fine."

 

It took a stride or two for Amir to realize he was joking. He laughed under his breath, shaking his head.

 

"Okay," he agreed, despite his racing heart. Or maybe because if it.

 

Joseph's smile was worth it.

 

**

 

On the surface, not much changed. But after their conversation, Amir had noticed the last remnants of Hamid Khedani clearing from his mind; he felt comfortable in his own skin again. He made the team breakfast; engaged in a couple games of horseshoes and pool, and he watched Jaz systematically beat everyone at some video game, ending with her kicking McG's ass. Amir almost felt sorry for him. It didn't help that Joseph pouted over it, which made Amir want to kiss him again. Instead, he busied himself with cleaning his rifle.

 

Joseph found excuses, though, to touch him now. Nothing that drew any attention. But the thing about keeping your guard up for years at a time was that any simple touch was maddening. Outside of a mission, outside of what was strictly necessary to complete an op, being touched at all made Amir warm and dizzy. And Joseph wasn't stupid. He knew exactly what he was doing. So he'd find opportunities to brush up against him, squeeze his shoulder or muss his hair… and it all made Amir ache in ways he'd forgotten were possible.

 

One night, just before deploying to Mongolia, found them alone together in the common area. Everyone else had retired for the night and Amir was finishing up the last of the dishes when Joseph appeared behind him, reaching past him for a mug.

 

Before he'd fully processed the decision, Amir grabbed Joseph's forearm, stopping him from pulling away. The steady dose of brief touches had made him needy and hyper-aware.

 

Thankfully, Joseph seemed to get the hint, pressing carefully closer, his breath grazing Amir's cheek.

 

"I'm here," he murmured, voice honey-rich, spreading warmth down Amir's spine. "Is this okay?" His hand slid to Amir's hip.

 

Words were decidedly not happening just now, but Amir managed a nod.

 

"You feel really good," Joseph whispered, the heat of his mouth just barely close to Amir's ear. "I still really want to kiss you. Again."

 

"Not here," he managed to rasp, finally, his fingers sliding down Joseph's forearm, toward his wrist, before letting go.

 

"No."

 

The heat at his back disappeared as Joseph withdrew, and Amir could breathe again but he wished he couldn't.

 

"Soon," he murmured, mostly as a reassurance to himself.

 

"Soon." Amir could hear the smile in Joseph's voice before he even turned around. "Night, Amir."

 

"Goodnight."

 

It wasn't until he slipped into bed nearly an hour later that the phantom heat of Joseph's body against him faded completely. Amir missed it instantly, but the temporary reprieve would have to do for now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tehran, part 1. The team finds out about them, the boys have some alone time, etc. etc. ;) (This is still just rated T so, nothing terribly scandalous)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my own benefit, I decided that Amir and McG went to Tehran one night before everyone else. Since their exfil plans were all a little different, and since everyone was already at Hossein's shop before we saw them for longer than a few seconds,I decided that worked just fine.
> 
> Also, this chapter is unbetaed because my beta is enjoying the last day of her vacation and I wasn't going to bother her with edits.

Amir should've anticipated that someone would figure it out. If he had to guess, he'd pick Jaz. She was whip-smart and sharp as a tack and he had learned not to underestimate her. He'd figure Preach, but really, Preach wouldn't rat them out. So the very fact that he was standing awkwardly by the grill with Top pretty much confirmed it was Jaz.

 

"Look, I don't want to have this conversation anymore than you do, alright? So all I'm gonna say about it is, keep the personal shit out of the mission. And understand that you two'll be paired up a little less often than usual," Adam said, needlessly rolling the hotdogs for the tenth time in as many minutes. There was a puddle under the damn dog who was drooling hopefully at his feet.

 

"Sure, no problem." Amir cleared his throat, watching Patton, because it was easier than looking at his CO just now.

 

"Great, then let's call this conversation closed and move on. Sound good?" Adam asked.

 

"Great, yeah."

 

"Hey, Amir! Come ref this game so Jaz doesn't cheat!" Of course McGuire would choose right now to call out to him. Internally, he sighed. This--everyone knowing--was going to take some getting used to.

 

"For the record, I'm happy for you guys. Both of you." Thankfully, Adam didn't look up as he said it. Amir wasn't used to blushing.

 

"Um, thanks," he mumbled before ducking away. Yeah, this was going to take some adjustment.

**

As it turned out, their next mission required them teaming up. At least Adam didn't say anything about it as he doled out assignments. Jaz, on the other hand, didn't quite conceal her snicker when it was revealed they'd be playing brothers. He thought about making some comment about her and Top playing a married couple, but McG beat him to the punch (literally) by socking Jaz lightly in the shoulder.

 

"Knock it off," he warned, though Amir guessed some of the effect was lost since he was grinning at Amir the whole time.

 

But that--the mission--was how they ended up spending their very first night together completely alone. One day before everything went straight to hell.

 

**

 

Joseph at least held his laughter until they got in the car. "Your much more attractive brother," he crowed. "Man, I'm sorry, but it's gonna take a long time for me to stop laughing over that one."

 

"Yeah, yeah. Keep it down," Amir grumbled, though Joseph's amusement was contagious and he found himself smiling a bit anyway. "Or else I'll leave you somewhere. And we both know you barely speak two words in anything but English."

 

"You wouldn't do that," Joseph said, but his voice was lower now, less likely to attract the attention of the cab driver.

 

The ride to the hotel was blissfully short, and checking in was a breeze. It wasn't until they were actually in the room that Amir realized exactly what being here meant for him. For them. There were two beds, sure, but there was also probably some sort of protocol here, some expectation.

 

"Hey. Look at me a second." Joseph's voice coaxed him out of his head and he obliged, finding nothing but kindness and concern reflected back at him. "I don't need anything from you. You call the shots here. I won't even kiss you if you don't want me to."

 

Amir laughed quietly, shaking his head, still holding Joseph's gaze. "Of course I want you to," he whispered. "That's part of the problem."

 

"Okay, you're gonna have to help me out here. Cuz I'm pretty good at a lot of stuff but mind reading is definitely not one of them."

 

With a sigh, Amir nodded. There were certain calculations that had gone into agreeing to date Joseph. And he may have been inexperienced in the relationship area, but he'd never been one to do things by halves, so part of that had been acknowledging to himself that, at some point, he'd have to share some aspects of himself. Ones he didn't share with anyone else.

 

"My track record dating guys is...very poor," he began, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it in the closet. "Well, dating is probably the wrong word. I did a lot of stupid things in the name of experimenting when I was younger."

 

"I think we can all kinda say that," Joseph said, clearly trying to assuage whatever negativity Amir was attributing to his younger days.

 

"It wasn't exactly fun for me, most of the time. Especially after my sister...It took me a bit to find my footing after that," Amir explained, pacing to the window rather than looking at Joseph. "And then I was recruited and I...I have no real idea what I'm doing here, and that's not a position I find myself in very often."

 

"There's no rule book here," Joseph murmured, his voice closer than Amir was expecting somehow. He glanced over his shoulder and found the other man within reaching distance, just watching him. He let out a breath, turning back to the window, trying to settle himself a bit. But the mission at hand had left him unusually jittery.

 

The familiar static of the prayer call crackled from somewhere down the block, then, and Amir wondered how it got to be time already.

 

"You can..." Joseph started. "I was going to take a shower anyway."

 

Prayer would settle him faster than most other things, and he nodded, grateful for the understanding. Turning from the window completely, he chanced leaning into Joseph, kissing him. Anticipating the contact, initiating it, didn't make him any less breathless.

 

"I want to kiss you," he murmured against Joseph's mouth. "I want to do more than kiss you."

 

Joseph groaned, his teeth sinking none-too-gently into Amir's bottom lip, tugging as his hands settled on Amir's waist. "But wanting it and being ready for it are two totally different things...And that's okay. I'm going to shower now." He stole another kiss and then stumbled back. Amir couldn't help but feel a little proud, despite his racing heart.

 

He watched the other man duck into the bathroom and then pop out again a second later. 

 

"For the record? I want to do a hell of a lot more than kiss you, too. And I will. Someday." With a smirk and a wink, whatever pride Amir had felt for causing Joseph to falter evaporated. Instead, he was left staring at the door, trying desperately to picture anything but his boyfriend ( _boyfriend_ ) naked and wet on the other side.

 

Amir had rarely prayed so fervently. He'd only just recovered some semblance of control over his thoughts when Joseph reemerged, towel wrapped around his waist, skin still visibly damp. He didn't even try to pretend like he wasn't staring. Coupled with the thrill of the mission, the heat of it made Amir feel more reckless than he had in a long time.

 

"You gotta stop looking at me like that," Joseph said, his voice unusually low as his eyes met Amir's. With an entire room and two beds between them, Amir's breath still stalled at the desire reflected back at him.

 

"You're the one parading around half-naked," Amir pointed out.

 

"Parading's a stretch. But I did kinda want to see the look on your face," Joseph admitted, his mouth twisting into a smirk. "Now the problem is that I want to touch you. Because I know exactly what sound you'd make."

 

It was only his clenched jaw and the lack of air in his lungs that kept Amir silent. Heat sank into his bones as Joseph approached, closing the space between them, until he was close enough that Amir could feel the heat radiating off of him.

 

"We have a dinner reservation," he whispered, lifting his hand to Amir's jaw. And Joseph was right, he did make a sound then, low and needy, as Joseph's thumb dragged over his throat. "God. That. That's going to kill me."

 

At least Joseph kissed him before he pulled away entirely. He was starting to need it like air.

**

 

Dinner with Hossein was remarkably easy. Conversation flowed, the food was almost sinfully delicious, and the heady feeling of power Amir had felt earlier came back in full force. This was the part he sometimes had trouble reconciling. This was the part that made him doubt his intentions,some days. Was he really any better than Jarif, if the thought of killing made him feel like this? Those were thoughts for another time. For later. For after.

 

"This is where I leave you, unless you need something more?" Hossein asked, once dinner was done and they were lingering outside the hotel.

 

"Your company and assistance has been more than enough," Amir promised, smiling warmly as he shook Hossein's hand. McGuire did the same.

 

"Then I'll expect to see you both at the shop tomorrow." With a smile and a nod, Hossein disappeared into the crowd, leaving them alone again, though somewhere over the course of dinner, the energy had shifted somewhat. The weight of where they were, of what they were doing, had cooled things down a bit.

 

"Can I ask you a question?" Joseph spoke as soon as the door to the room closed behind him. "And you don't have to answer. You don't owe me that."

 

"Go on."

 

"How do you justify that--" He motioned toward Amir's prayer rug, neatly rolled and tucked between his suitcase and the wall. "--with what we're here to do?"

 

Amir's mouth set into a thoughtful line. It was a question he'd spent a long while considering. Some days,the answer was more clear than others.

 

"You know, my parents weren't especially religious. They still aren't," he began, sinking into one of the two chairs at the small breakfast table in the corner. He motioned for Joseph to join him. "I guess the best way to compare is to Christians who only go to church on Christmas and Easter. Religion was more about culture and heritage to my family. And I grew up in a community so full of other religions and cultures, the idea of one of them being the 'right' one just sounded strange to me. But after Mazia died...I was lost. The only way any of it could make sense, is if there was some bigger picture that I'd never considered before."

 

Joseph reached across the table and took Amir's hand. Beyond kisses and words and everything else they'd shared, it was maybe the most intimate. Amir gave pause, his gaze flicking from their hands to Joseph's face and back again. With a shaky breath, he continued.

 

"So I searched for answers. Not to her death. But to the direction of my own life. I'd always intended to go to college, get a business degree, and take over my father's company. But there was no purpose there. When I was recruited, I knew. God had set me on the path to this. This was something tangible I could do. And if...if deception and pain and death are the prices I pay for that, then so be it. If hell is what waits for me--Well, I'll have left the world a better, safer place. That...that is my purpose, no matter the cost."

 

For a long moment, Joseph said nothing. If not for the gentle swipe of his thumb over Amir's knuckles, he might've thought the other man was angry. And then he sighed,a long breath through his nose, and looked from the tabletop up at Amir.

 

"I may not be religious, but there is no way you'd end up in the same place as the kind of people who would hurt your sister," he said, unwavering in his conviction. "You're a good person, Amir. Those people? They're terrorists."

 

"How do you feel, on a mission, when you kill someone?" It was a question Amir hadn't dared to ask anyone. How could he know if what he felt was normal, if it was expected, if he didn't?

 

"Better than I should," he replied,meeting Amir's gaze, the words calling to mind their conversation after Paris, which, he realized,was the point. So Joseph felt it too, then. Something like relief seeped into him, a weight lifting.

 

On a whim,Amir brought Joseph's hand to his mouth and kissed it briefly. "We should go to bed."

 

For all the anxiety he'd felt earlier, settling into Joseph's arms was the most natural thing in the world.One last night of peace. They needed it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tehran continues. A lot less yum, a lot more feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay!! I've been all over the place and this week has been stupidly busy. This chapter also didn't come out as easily as some of the others but here we are! Thanks to chibisere23 and watermoonlilly for the beta and the support and the discourse, as always (even when its counterproductive and super distracting :-p).

It took a remarkably short time for the world to fall apart. It always did. One second, everything was fine, and the next, it would never be the same. There was no way of knowing who, when, or why. Today was a day like that. Today was Jaz’s day. And he wasn’t prepared. At some point, this had become his family. Losing any of them was unthinkable. But that was the thing about the world turning on its head, no one got to be ready.

The hope drained once Jaz left the garage. Amir literally watched it happen. Joseph went from determined to empty in seconds flat. Moments later a wall of cold stone was erected in its place. He’d seen it elsewhere a million times, had built that same wall a million more, but seeing it in Joseph was unnerving, to say the least.

It became apparent relatively quickly that everyone was operating on pins and needles because of Adam. And Amir understood why. He’d figured out during their first mission that there was a connection between the CO and Jaz that couldn’t be explained by professionalism alone. He knew they hadn’t done much to address it, either, but that didn’t matter now. Or maybe it mattered too much. That was a thought for another time.

Right now, Joseph was carefully sorting his med kit, cataloging and organizing and restocking. The wall was just as firmly in place as it had been when they’d left the hotel. But Amir had learned a thing or two from Joseph, and he had no intention of letting the wall stay there forever.

“Hey,” he greeted quietly. 

“Top told you to get some rest,” Joseph said without looking up. He was on his knees, the contents of the kit spread neatly on the floor around him. Amir moved closer without disturbing any of it.

“I know.”

“I’m fine.”

“I don’t think any of us are fine,” Amir murmured, carefully resting a hand on Joseph’s shoulder and squeezing. The touch crumbled the wall almost immediately and Joseph’s body sagged. Maybe some walls were less sturdy than others.

“I can’t do this again,” he whispered hoarsely. He looked up at Amir, tearful. “I should’ve done something...Anything. Stopped her…”

“Do you honestly think you could’ve stopped her?” The thought is almost laughable. Almost.

“God, what are we gonna do?”

Top’s words echoed in his head then. _Tip of the spear._

“Wait. Trust.” It was infinitely harder to accept when it was one of their own. But it was the only choice.

Joseph’s hand came up to cover his and he squeezed. “Will you pray?” he asked, and that caught Amir by surprise.

“Of course,” he said. He already was. Before Jaz had even set foot in the lobby. He wouldn’t stop until they knew. It was the least he could do. It was all he could do.

**

None of them could sleep. The memory of last night, of falling asleep with Joseph’s arms securely around him, seemed a lifetime away by now.

Adam hadn’t even attempted sleep, and Preach was keeping vigil with him downstairs, combing over everything for the millionth time. Joseph was pacing, wearing a hole in the floor of the bedroom above the shop, and Amir was just watching, wishing he knew what to say. If it were him, Joseph would undoubtedly know exactly the right thing to tell him.

“You don’t talk about him,” he settled on, finally. There was a thread that had been slowly unravelling since their earlier discussion. Now that he’d had some time to sit with it, Amir wanted to know more.

“Vallins?” Joseph stilled, blinking at him, as if he’d just noticed Amir was there.

“Jaz talks about him sometimes,” Amir supplied carefully, not sure if mentioning her right now would be smart. “It had to be hard on you, too. Losing him, I mean.”

“Why are we talking about this right now?” Joseph asked.

“It’s better than this.” He indicated the floor in front of the other man.

The silence hung between them, but Joseph’s pacing had stilled,, so Amir waited.

“It was hard,” he said finally. “Fucking impossible. But not because he died. Not _just_ because of that. I’ve lost guys before. This isn’t my first rodeo. Hazards of the job. You know that.”

He paused, seeming to seek something from Amir, so he nodded in acknowledgement. Loss wasn’t new to him, either.

“It was hard because of her.”

“Jaz?” Amir’s brow furrowed in confusion.

With a nod, Joseph sank onto the bed beside him. “Before she showed up, Elijah and I were close. He was my best friend. But then she was here and they just...had this weird connection, you know? And I was fine with that. It wasn’t like Elijah and I weren’t still friends. But it took a while for Jaz to let me in. She’s cagey. You know that.”

“Yeah.” Amir laughed softly, remembering how long he’d waited for Jaz to stop hating him.

“I thought we were good after that, you know? It was always the three of us. But after he died, she shut me out like none of it mattered.” Joseph deflated, leaning forward onto his knees. “Even though she was right there, it felt like I lost them both.”

For all the times Joseph had told him he wasn’t the only one carrying baggage, that he wasn’t the only one with darkness inside him, Amir had never seen it in Joseph. He’d always been so easygoing and levelheaded. But now, he saw, and it hurt like he’d never known.

“But it got better?” His words came out closer to a question than he’d meant for them to.

“It took a long time. And a lot of work. From Top, from Preach, from me. Turns out, she didn’t think I actually cared. She figured I was just putting up with her because of him, and that I blamed her for losing him. She gives you a run for your money in the feelings department,” Joseph joked weakly. “Jesus, I just got her back, I can’t lose her.”

The look on Joseph’s face was every single reason why Amir had sworn off relationships of any kind. This job didn’t lend itself to building connections, or to keeping them. Every connection was a risk. But with this team, Amir was starting to wonder if maybe some connections were worth that risk.

“We’re not leaving without her,” he promised, though he had no idea if he meant dead or alive. From Joseph’s shaky exhale, he wasn’t sure either.

After that, though, Amir actually coaxed Joseph into laying down. Neither of them slept at all, and there was bit of tossing and turning, but eventually they settled, Amir’s arm around Joseph, whose head was resting on his chest. It was then that Amir realized: Joseph took comfort in him. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. The thought was enough to quiet his mind until the sky lightened and traffic picked up on the street outside.

When prayer call started, Joseph started to move, but Amir tightened his hold.

“Stay,” he whispered. There were more important things today.

With a relieved sigh, Joseph settled again, and they laid in the quiet, just a little longer, until they had no choice but to face the day.

 

**

 

Top found _something_. Not much, but it was enough. It renewed hope, it gave them a new angle to focus on. Joseph especially, who had pulled himself back together and carefully reconstructed the wall. And Adam, who had been slowly crumbling before their eyes.

They both came back from their information gathering mission a little feral. It was a look Amir was well acquainted with. A feeling he knew deep in his bones. And honestly, he was a little jealous. The high that typically followed a successful mission had been incredibly short lived. The adrenaline had nowhere to go. It felt a little like drowning. His own inaction was killing him from the inside out. With Joseph gone, there was nothing productive to focus on.

_Wait._

_Trust._

He held tight to the words. They were something at least.

And then it was finally his turn. Going undercover always felt like visiting an old friend, even when it wasn’t a part he’d played before. Pretending to be someone else was always easier. Today was no exception. It was the only thing keeping him from barging through that door and killing everyone inside with his bare hands. Saving Jaz. Saving his team from breaking apart.

So he played the part and walked away instead, his prayers turning from fervent pleading to more sinister threats. But the thing about God that he’d learned long ago (and a seemingly infinite number of times since), was that threats had no substance. And that just made him angrier. So, for the first time in 24 hours, Amir stopped. And the deafening silence that followed swallowed him whole. He didn’t come up for air again until they crossed the checkpoint onto base. It’d been seven hours, and Hossein’s words still echoed in his head.

_I live for madness._

In a way, he guessed, they all did.

 

**

 

Intentionally, Amir stayed clear of Joseph. There were too many factors to consider just now. He didn’t trust himself to be an anchor when he, himself, was so lost at sea. And there was enough going on. There wasn’t time for much of anything.

But eventually, sometime in the early hours of the morning, everything quieted and the deafening silence returned, clawing at him until Amir slipped into Joseph’s room. With the quiet click of the latch behind him, everything instantly leveled out and Amir just breathed.

“I wanted to thank you.” Joseph’s voice startled him and Amir looked up, finding the other man sitting on the edge of the bed.

“For what?”

“For last night...for this morning. God, for everything in the last few days. Wouldn’t have gotten through it without you.” The ease with which he admitted that was enviable. Amir wondered what that must be like, to so easily identify your feelings, to put a voice to them.

“I wanted to be there for you. I needed to be.” Maybe he was learning. Maybe. “We made it.”

“C’mere.” Joseph reached for him and Amir gave in, letting the other man pull him close between his legs and slip his arms around his middle. Sitting on the bed like this with Amir standing, his head came to rest perfectly on Amir’s chest again. 

Carefully, Amir slid uncertain fingers into Joseph’s hair. The world didn’t stop, but, with the sound of Joseph’s soft, slow exhale, he thought maybe part of it fell into place again. And that was definitely worth the risk.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team heads to Colombia. Amir has a lot of feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, as always, to team BC. And to Lilly, for the super fast beta!! Two chapters left!

For a time, everything shifted. It was impossible for it not to. Jaz was still healing. The visual reminders of her torture were still evident, a reminder to all of them that they'd almost lost her. So things got a little quieter, a little more somber, a little calmer. They were all a little more forgiving. 

 

No one said a word, then, or even blinked at the fact that Amir was sleeping in Joseph’s room--in his bed--every night. It wasn't professional, but it felt necessary. Because McGuire was still processing, recovering, clearing out the rubble of the walls he'd constructed to keep himself safe. And Amir, well, now that they were safely home, he’d started to think too much. About losing Joseph, about his own wellbeing, about how terrifying this all was. But he felt better--safer--with Joseph in his arms.

 

“You're thinking too loud,” Joseph mumbled, his voice rough and low with sleep. It sent a lazy kind of warmth through Amir that he was only just now getting used to.

 

“And here I thought you could sleep through anything,” he chuckled.

 

“Guess you’re the exception, huh?” Joseph asked, the familiar grin evident in his tone, even if Amir couldn’t feel it against his neck.

 

“If it’s a disruption, I’m happy to go back to my own bed…”

 

“You talk a big game, Raisani, but you love being here,” he said, his hand smoothing over Amir’s chest, warm and solid through the thin cotton.

 

“What gave you that impression?”

 

“You keep coming back,” Joseph whispered as his hand slid lower, over Amir’s stomach. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to this, being touched.

 

“You have a point,” he allowed.

 

“Kinda getting used to having you here. Even if you think too loud.”

 

“At least I don’t snore. It’s a wonder I can sleep at all.” The impact of his words was slightly lost at the quiver in his voice as Joseph fingered the hem of his shirt.

 

“Is this okay?” Joseph asked. “I just want to touch you.”

 

Until now, the other man had never asked to touch him anywhere that wasn’t already exposed. And Amir knew he could say no. But he didn’t want to.

 

“Yes.” He exhaled shakily and stroked up Joseph’s arm, trying to calm his racing heart.

 

“I love that I can do this to you…” Joseph’s fingers slid under his shirt, lightly stroking at the skin above the waistband of his sweats, and, as with everything else in this relationship so far, Amir was surprised. Because the heat was definitely there, but it was the instant calm and intimacy brought by the touch that sank into him.

 

“Can I tell you I love you yet?” The way he said it was so damn casual, Amir almost didn’t process what he’d said at all.

 

“What?”

 

“Because I can wait. Until we’re home. Or until...I don’t know, whenever you want. But I kinda wanted you to know.” The _just in case_ went unspoken, but it hung there for a moment.

 

Romantically speaking, Amir had never told anyone he loved them. Those words were reserved for his family, for obligation and blood. Not for choice. Not for _this_. But he thought about Adam and Jaz and all the things that could’ve gone unsaid between them. He thought about his sister leaving the house for her first rehearsal and how he’d barely spared her a glance. And then he thought, again, of losing this man, the one who he truly adored waking up beside, even in a cramped, uncomfortable twin bed.

 

“I love you too,” he whispered, like it was a revelation to him, because it was.

 

It must’ve been a revelation to Joseph too, because the other man sat up and stared down at him, disbelieving. “What?”

 

“Are you that surprised?” he chuckled. “You’re persistent. You didn’t exactly give me a choice.”

 

Except he had chosen. Repeatedly.

 

“You know, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure you out,” Joseph muttered with a boyish grin. “But dammit, I’m gonna keep trying.”

 

Amir reached for him, already missing the warmth, and when Joseph relented to kiss him, the hard press of his body was the only thing keeping him there. Grounded. Safe. Whole.

 

**

 

The flight to Colombia balanced things a little. Not completely, because they were still one person short, and her absence was heavy, but there was a mission to focus on. Work made them all feel a little closer to normal.

 

There were nine hours to fill, on the plane, and Amir spent a decent portion reading while Joseph dozed beside him, but their hands stayed linked between them, a gesture Amir wouldn’t have been comfortable with even two weeks ago. He thought about the plane back from Mexico, about how much everything had changed since then, about the dumb grin on Joseph’s face when he’d finally uttered the words. That alone had seemingly cleared whatever ghosts had been lingering under the surface, and Amir wished things could be that easy for him.

 

“It’s okay, you know,” McG mumbled beside him, and if this wasn’t such a regular occurrence by now, it might’ve startled him. “Doesn’t have to change anything.”

 

“What are you doing, on leave?” The question tumbled out, unbidden. It must’ve shocked Joseph too, because he sat up, any hint of weariness evaporating. “I was thinking maybe we could spend some time together, that’s all. Sleep in a bed that wasn’t built for one.”

 

“You sure? I mean, you don’t have to come out ot Montana or anything. We could go somewhere neutral. Anywhere, really.” Joseph’s thumb swept up the side of his own and the corner of Amir’s mouth tugged upward.

 

“My only request is for somewhere without any sand.”

 

“No? Cuz I really feel like my life is lacking in the sand department.”

 

“I’m relatively certain that if I never saw or felt another grain of sand for the rest of my life, I would be ecstatic,” Amir said, his grin widening at Joseph’s teasing smile.

 

“I think we can manage that.” Joseph leaned closer and, out of habit, Amir’s eyes darted to everyone else. No one was paying them any attention. “Kinda hoped we’d stay in the room most of the time anyway.”

 

The implication of privacy, the memory of Joseph against him in Tehran, made Amir a little dizzy.

 

“A little presumptuous, wouldn’t you say?” he murmured finally.

 

“Maybe if it wasn’t so obvious how bad you wanted it, too,” Joseph murmured, barely loud enough for Amir to hear, despite his proximity. It sent an instant shock of heat down his spine, his skin suddenly tingling where Joseph’s fingers rested. “I just want to kiss you for as long as I want without worrying about a mission. Or an audience.”

 

“Not just kissing,” Amir reminded him, Joseph’s confession from Iran replaying easily in his mind.

 

“Whatever you want,” Joseph vowed seriously, the easy flirting giving way to honesty. No matter how many times it happened, Amir always found it incredibly reassuring. For all of McG’s reputation, he’d never once pushed a single boundary. He’d never even tried.

 

“I know.”

 

“Can I kiss you now?” he asked, running his thumb from the back of Amir’s hand to his wrist.

 

Rather than responding, rather than double checking they weren’t being watched again, Amir closed the small gap between them and captured Joseph’s lips with his own. _Just in case_ , he thought to himself.

 

“I love you,” he whispered as he pulled away. It wouldn’t do to have any regrets. Any day could be the day, and he’d be damned if he let himself regret a single second.

 

**

 

Being on the ground, everything felt lighter. With the mission outlined, with the promise of action ahead, everyone got a little looser, fell a little more at ease. 

 

Hannah’s appearance only cemented that, and Amir was all too happy to play along. Jealousy had never been something he entertained. Barring Paloma, who had been the exception, mostly because Amir had had no claim, no right. But now Joseph had told him, clearly, there would be nobody else, and Amir had no reason to believe otherwise. And it felt good to have the banter back, to amp each other up. Amir hadn’t realized how much he’d come to rely on the way this team did things. The last few weeks at home and been tough. Any of them would do it all over again in a heartbeat, no question, and Jaz had had it tougher than any of them by a longshot. But it felt good to get a little space, to have Top back in control, to have a purpose.

 

“Try not to shoot either of them,” Amir suggested, suiting up for his part of the mission.

 

“Try not to run them over,” McG countered, grinning and playfully bumping Amir’s shoulder. “Why they trust you with the heavy machinery, I’ll never understand.”

 

The mission just felt _right_. For the next twenty minutes. And then there was a hitch.

 

 _Just in case_ , he reminded himself. Amir breathed and he prayed. The time for levity was over. Time to buckle down.

 

**

 

Ten seconds was nothing. Their mission was impossible, and they all knew it. But they had to do _something_ while Adam was on the plane. Sitting around, waiting for the bomb to go off, was just not an option. Doing nothing led to madness, and they’d only just recovered.

 

Amir took comfort, selfishly, in knowing that McGuire was here, within arm’s reach. If everything went sideways, they’d be okay. But the thought of what would happen after that--of going back to Turkey and telling Jaz they’d lost Adam--was unthinkable. Though their start had been rocky, Amir liked to think he and Jaz were close now. She was part of his family, and he hoped he was part of hers. They had to come home in one piece, all of them.

 

“Hey,” Joseph murmured, dragging Amir out of his head. “We’ll figure it out.”

 

“Yeah,” he agreed.

 

“Let’s run it again,” Preach declared. So they did.

 

**

 

The high surged in him the second he laid eyes on Top. Hearing his voice was one thing, but seeing him alive, unharmed, immediately assuaged the tension in Amir’s chest. They’d done it. Everyone was going home in one piece.

 

Catching McGuire’s easy grin from a few rows away, Amir knew he was feeling the same. Suddenly, he couldn’t wait to get back, to do this all over again, with Jaz. To have the whole team back in action, one more time, before their deployment came to an end. It was only right.

 

As they deplaned with the rest of the passengers and flight crew, Hannah was waiting, a reminder of the anticipation of earlier, and Amir offered a smile. They’d succeeded because of her. Her hand found his shoulder and he considered, briefly, that maybe she’d actually choose him over McG. His gaze shifted to his boyfriend--that word was getting easier--and he could tell the other man knew exactly what he was thinking. And maybe his own lack of jealousy wasn’t quite mirrored by Joseph. No one had ever been jealous with him before. It made him feel strangely good.

 

“Something bothering you, McGuire?” Amir teased with a nudge as they made their way back across the tarmac to the hangar. 

 

“She likes you,” he grumbled.

 

“She’s pretty. It’s too bad, really, that I’m already taken.”

 

“Yeah you are,” Joseph agreed, noticeably less grumpy. 

 

Amir just chuckled and shook his head.

 

**

 

Being home felt just as good as he’d imagined it would. Jaz seemed to have settled in their absence, and she’d been cleared to join them again, which certainly didn’t hurt. With the last of the weight of Iran lifted from their shoulders, a bonfire was the only reasonable choice.

 

Amir couldn’t help but remember sitting out after the bombing, talking with Adam, still green. He’d wanted to throw in the towel. He’d almost walked away from this, from these people who he’d come to care for much deeper than he’d ever intended. 

 

Jaz’s eyes found his, her brow furrowing only slightly in question. He smiled in return, reassuring. There was absolutely nothing wrong. Everything was perfect. They were all here and okay. They were smiling and laughing and playing really bad horseshoes. Exactly as it should be.

 

When Joseph slid into bed beside him later that night, smelling of fire and sand and sweat, Amir settled readily against him.

 

“So you’ve forgiven me for the Hannah thing then?” he couldn’t resist teasing a bit, heady from the evening, from the mission.

 

“I can’t help it if the girl has good taste,” Joseph murmured, already sleepy. “But I saw you first. You’re mine.”

 

The word spawned some totally unexpected warmth that started somewhere in Amir’s stomach and spread outward. He’d never belonged to anyone--to _anywhere_ \--before. At some point, he’d stopped looking. Sometimes, though, the things you needed had a funny way of finding you. Amir was starting to wonder if part of him hadn’t wanted to be found all along.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last mission of the team's deployment is a real doozy. (Covers the two part finale so spoilers for that.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go!! I love these boys so much. The last chapter shall contain all the fluff and sweetness and smut. :)

There was this myth about the last mission of a deployment going to hell, about how even the simplest of things could go sideways in the blink of an eye. Amir had never given much credence to myths, but as soon as they set foot in the apartment building in Adana, something unsettling came over him. No matter how hard he tried, Amir couldn’t shake it. He’d wonder, later, whether the dread caused everything to blow up--quite literally--or if he just had exceptional gut instincts. Regardless, the myth gained some credibility.

Bringing a man like Hoffman back to base, back to the place Amir had come to think of as his safety, his home, made him immensely uncomfortable. If anyone but Dalton were heading the team, if he hadn’t heard Patricia in Iran, putting her career on the line for Jaz, he might’ve pushed a little harder. But Top’s assurance that he would get to the bottom of this had been enough.

“This is fucking weird,” Jaz muttered once they were alone.

“So this isn’t common, then? Bringing men back to base with no question?”

“Not unless you’re McGuire,” Jaz snorts. “But now he has you.”

Amir chuckled, accepting the levity and the subtle support.

“Now he has me.” Voicing things about their relationship to anyone but Joseph still felt strange, but it was getting slowly easier.

“I’m just glad he’s doing something other than hanging out with his mom on leave. There are only so many stories about cows I can handle. And the exaggerated conquests. He and Elijah used to have some sort of competition. It was insufferable.”

The name of the man he’d replaced had come up a handful of times over the last few months, but rarely because Jaz had brought him up. So it caught his attention now, more than anything else.

“If Elijah was anywhere near as competitive as Joseph, I can imagine that would get old fast,” Amir replied, watching Jaz shift under the discomfort of sharing memories of her friend. Grief brought even the strongest of soldiers to the brink.

“I needed earplugs just to get through it,” she said, a smile tugging at her lips, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Well, I’m glad I could take McGuire off the market so you’ll be saved the horrors,” Amir said.

“You two are fucking adorable together.” Jaz looked at him, her smile widening, the melancholy receding. It was worth it, even if the comment made him blush.

“I appreciate your support, Jaz.”

“He’s spent the last year taking care of my ass. He deserves to be happy. You make him happy. And trust me, of all the guys those two brought home? None of them were anything like you.” 

Amir smiled, too, wondering how the one person he’d been sure would never like him had actually become a friend--a part of his family.

“I am quite a catch,” he joked and Jaz bumped his shoulder, leaning into him for a few seconds before pulling away again.

“Yeah. You are.”

**

“You alright?” McG asked, seeking him out in the darkness outside, the desert air dry and cool and familiar. It was easily 3am by now, but none of them could sleep. Not with Hoffman sitting in the cage in the common area, watching everything.

“I’ll be better when we’re done,” Amir admitted, leaning into Joseph as he slid his arms around his waist.

“Almost there,” he murmured, reassuring as always. “We got this. And then we have a whole summer of road trips to fancy hotels. With pools. And room service.”

“And that’s supposed to be better than this, how exactly?” Amir asked, earning himself a hard poke in the side from Joseph. “Hey, ow!”

“You’re mean, Raisani. You wound me,” Joseph chuckled, still holding him.

“I can’t wait, you know.”

“I know. Almost there,” he repeated.

“Does the end always feel like this?” Amir asked when Joseph didn’t pull away, lingering instead in their embrace, soaking up the quiet stillness.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Melancholy? Like...leaving home?” Even a month ago, he wouldn’t have voiced those thoughts in his head, but he was learning, slowly.

“Sometimes,” Joseph allowed. “But we get to come back, all of us. Home’s still right here. It’s not going anywhere.”

While McGuire’s words always brought calm, this time, the dread in the pit of Amir’s stomach only grew. Even the warmth of Joseph’s arms couldn’t entirely drive out the chill.

**

Going undercover again brought with it a welcome sense of escape. Having a concrete mission, pretending to be someone else, even for a short time, meant he got out of his own head. Amir seized the opportunity gratefully.

Unsettled as he was, it was hard not to recognize the full circle moment that came from sitting in the car with Adam and Jaz. This time, though, there was no tension. Jaz caught his eye in the rearview mirror and offered a small smile. He tucked away the unfamiliar affection swelling in his chest for later. Right now, he had to be someone else.

So he left the car and shrugged into his new role as Richard Hedison, flirting with the Turkish police officer in charge of the scene. And then with seconds to spare, he retrieved what he’d come for--something of value to their investigation, and the familiar rush of success under pressure kept the cold weight in his stomach underwraps for a little while.

Being left alone with Hoffman, though, brought it all back to the surface. The man had a way of getting under his skin. Amir wasn’t used to that. He’d been expressly trained against it, had gone years undercover, been beaten and tortured (and done the same to others), and never had he felt so exposed. It was like when Joseph looked at him--like he saw him, all of him--except Hoffman’s intentions were completely sinister. 

It wasn’t until after he hung up with Top that Amir realized what, exactly, it meant that he’d reached out to his team for support. In the past, his inclination would’ve been to shut everything and everyone out. It was safer to do things alone. But this time, Amir’s first thought after Hoffman had worked his way into his head, was to connect. That settled him a bit. Because wanting to comfort and support his team was one thing, but seeking them out in his own weakness was another beast entirely. 

Knowing that helped keep the threat of darkness at bay, the one that always lurked at the edges, waiting for the perfect opportunity to flood him--drown him.

For now, he’d kept his head above water. A small victory, maybe, but an important one.

**

Weirdly, watching Hoffman worm his way under Adam’s skin was a relief. It meant it was just the way he worked, that there wasn’t something specifically about Amir that had drawn him in. _We all have darkness_. Wasn’t that what Joseph had told him? 

“He rattled you, didn’t he?” McG asked, catching him in his room.

“A bit, yeah,” Amir admitted. “But I’m okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Almost there,” he said, reaching for Joseph, kissing him a little more hungrily than usual.

“Geez, what was that for?” McGuire asked once Amir pulled away.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joseph said.

Just in case.

**

But _just in case_ was for the wrong person, because the world--their world--went up in a cloud of smoke and neither Amir nor Joseph were anywhere near the fire. Briefly, for just one split second, he was grateful. They were both safe. But then reality sunk in, and the darkness he’d been keeping at bay washed over him, swallowed him whole, dragged him under, and drowned him. And from the look on Adam’s face, he wasn’t the only one.

“There’s something I have to do,” Dalton said, low and so damn cold, it sank into Amir’s bones. Because it was a cold he recognized, one that lurked in his own soul, waiting.

It didn’t occur to him until later that Adam had told him, not Jaz or McGuire. Just him, while their friends were busy tending to Verina. Trust went both ways. That was a weight Amir was prepared to carry.

**

It wasn’t until the team was gathered around Preach several hours later that the world again found its axis. The cold dread in the pit of his stomach unfurled into the more familiar heartache and sadness. At least Amir could breathe.

It felt strange that this team was more adept at dealing with tragedy than his own family had been, but, he supposed, when you witnessed loss and devastation on a regular basis, it became a part of you. Pain felt like anything else--joy, hatred, love. The steadiness of it, the fact that there were pages of regulation dictating what came next, was reassuring. Grief had rules here, and Amir clung to that.

Later that night, closer to dawn than dusk, he and Joseph and Jaz made the trek to the hotel room Hannah had procured for them. Convincing Adam to leave the hospital had been a no-go, and none of them had had the energy to fight him on it.

The room had two queen beds and a couch, but when Amir came out of the bathroom, Jaz was curled against McGuire, tearful and sleepy, and they’d left more than adequate room for him to join them. So that was how they all fell asleep, pressed together in the middle of a cushy hotel bed with silken sheets and the quiet sounds of a city just beginning to stir outside the widow as the sun nudged the horizon.

**

It spoke volumes that Joseph managed to disentangle himself from the two of them without waking Jaz. Amir, on the other hand, opened his eyes as soon as the solid, familiar warmth of the other man disappeared. It was nearly 11am, according to the clock on the end table.

A quick check of his phone revealed no change in Preach’s status in the few hours they’d been sleeping, and Amir breathed a silent prayer for that.

Nearly half an hour went by before Amir realized McG hadn’t emerged. Carefully crawling out of bed so he didn’t wake Jaz, he went to the bathroom and let himself in. Joseph was leaning on the counter, his head down, silent but shaking.

Without a word, Amir moved closer, pressing himself to Joseph's back and hugging him around the waist. Preach had been the one to pick McGuire back up after losing Elijah. While Jaz had taken her own journey, with Dalton. He couldn't imagine seeing Preach like this was easy for any of them, but the immovable pillar that was Joseph McGuire was cracking a little under the pressure.

“He's dead...Hoffman,” Joseph rasped, his breath rattling audibly on a sharp inhale.

“Yeah.” Amir waited, knowing there was more.

“I wish he wasn't.” He looked up then, meeting Amir’s eyes in the mirror, and much like what he'd seen in Adam yesterday, there was nothing there but ice cold steel. “I wish he was still alive so I could tear him to shreds...make him pay for everything he's done.”

“Yeah,” Amir said again, because he understood exactly what that felt like, wanting vengeance in place of justice. “It'll fade.”

“Yeah,” McGuire sighed. “It will. I just...with Vallins, with Jaz, I at least got to put a bullet where it belonged. Sometimes I think about all the ways I know to make people suffer, and it doesn't scare me. I became a medic to help people, you know? Or at least I thought I did. But that--couple stitches, an ice pack, a splint--it doesn't make me feel the same way. I think it used to.”

Amir thought of Iran, of the wild look in Joseph’s eyes when he’d come back from the mission with Dalton. The look of a man who had done damage, and liked it. A man he understood.

“War...what we do, it changes people,” he said, tugging until Joseph sat on the lid of the toilet, Amir standing between his knees, lightly rubbing his shoulders. “You can't do it otherwise. But that doesn't make you a bad person. The fact you recognize those things...that you have the self control and the awareness not to act on them, that's who you are, Joseph.” His fingers slid into the other man’s hair, a gesture that was still unfamiliar, but one that seemed to bring comfort. McGuire’s head dropped against his stomach, the weight of him settling against Amir. They stayed like that for a long time until Joseph pulled back to look up at him.

“I love you so much. And I’d do all of this a hundred more times if that's what it took to be here,” he said, looking younger and so much more vulnerable than Amir was used to. 

“I love you too. You...you have shown me so much trust and kindness and patience…” Unexpected emotion welled in his throat as Joseph moved to kiss him, slow and sweet and lingering.

“Guys.” Jaz appeared in the doorway, rubbing her eyes, hair a mess. “We gotta get to the hospital. Preach is awake.”

**


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amir and Joseph come home. Post-finale. Some fluff, some PG13 yumminess, LOTS of feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my GOD, it's DONE. You guys. I am so sorry for the wait. And I promise HTRH is next on the docket (though I have no idea when it'll be worked on, but it IS going to be). But this chapter gave me a struggle. I know I said there would be smut and it...honestly just didn't feel right with this chapter so that didn't happen. I hope no one is terribly disappointed.
> 
> I miss this show and I miss these people but I'm glad I got the chance to write these boys and explore them and their chemistry and that so many of you came along for the ride. It means the world to me.
> 
> This chapter is 5000% unbeta'd and I honestly haven't even read the beginning half in over a month because I just kept getting myself stuck. So whatever errors and inconsistencies there are are totally my fault. But I just had to put this piece to bed and give everyone some closure. So here we are! I hope you like it. :)

Closure didn’t fully come until they left DC. Between countless hours of debriefing and countless more at Preach’s bedside at the army medical center in Bethesda, Amir felt like he hadn’t truly taken a breath since Incirlik.

“You good?” Joseph asked him as they drove west, into the mountains.

“I think so,” Amir replied. Making sense of the layers of things in his head would take work, and time. But he could do that.

“We’re free and clear.”

The reality of that, of knowing there was nothing on the horizon for the next 6 weeks but freedom, was both daunting and thrilling.

“It doesn’t feel real.” 

“Yeah. It’s gonna take a few days. You don’t have to hold it together, you know.” Joseph’s hand snuck over into his own. Amir exhaled slowly.

“Same goes for you.”

“Preach is gonna be fine,” McG said.

“Yeah.”

“And this?” Joe squeezed his hand, glancing over at him in the passenger seat. “This is all that matters to me right now. You and me and nothing else.”

Strangely, Amir found himself agreeing.

**

They made it into Ohio before stopping for the night. It wasn’t anything special, really. Flat, open space with endless farms.

The hotel wasn’t fancy, either, some chain where the hallways smelled faintly of cigarettes and cleaning supplies. They got a room with two beds, because this was still rural America and trouble was the last thing either of them were looking for.

Unlike in Tehran (was that only two months ago? It felt like so much longer), there was no choice to be made, no anxiety to be had, about sleeping arrangements. Amir had no intention of sleeping without Joseph unless he absolutely had to.

They ate dinner at IHOP, which reminded Amir of his time at The Farm. It surprised him when the stories started to flow. He wanted Joseph to know about his life, about the things that had led him to the team.

“I spent the whole meal talking,” Amir realized as Joseph paid their bill. 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“I didn’t mean to commandeer the conversation.”

“LIstening to you isn’t a chore. I hope you know that by now,” Joseph said, low and quiet and warm. “Besides, you have all summer to listen to me ramble on about nothing.”

“I have the rest of my life to listen to you ramble on about nothing,” Amir corrected, thinking about Turkey, about the long stretches of weeks between missions when the tempo dropped off.

“The rest of your life, huh?”

Amir blinked and Joseph smiled and small town Ohio was none the wiser. 

**

There was a certain nervous energy that crept in as soon as they made their way back to the hotel. It wasn’t that Amir was afraid, but there was an expectation, and after months of build up, it felt like _something_.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you nervous,” Joe remarked, looping his arms around Amir from behind as soon as the door clicked shut behind them. “Relax, baby. I just want to take care of you. You set the pace here, I’m not expecting anything.”

“I know,” Amir murmured. “But I want you. I have for a long time.”

“Well, there are a lot of ways we can make that happen, okay? We’ll go slow. Wanna take my time with you anyway.” Joseph’s lips found the spot just under his ear that made Amir’s knees nearly buckle and his fingers flexed into Joe’s arm where it wrapped around his middle.

“Joseph…”

“See? That...that is all I need,” Joe whispered. “Hearing you say my name like that. But right now, what you need is a shower, because we’ve been on the road all day. And I know you.”

Amir laughed, the heat dissipating to a gentle, affectionate warmth. He twisted in Joe’s arms and kissed him.

“I love you.”

Joseph cupped his cheek, stroking his his stubble, his touch so familiar Amir found himself instantly calm.

“Love you too, baby. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Joe murmured.

“Nowhere? Who knew you had such an affinity for Ohio,” Amir teased, stealing another kiss before pulling away.

“Okay, we could maybe do better than BFE,” Joe allowed, grinning boyishly. “But beggars can’t be choosers.”

“Oh, so we’re beggars now?” Amir tugged his shirt over his head and chucked it at Joseph. “Noted.”

“Mmm, if that’s how you wanna play it, sure.” The way Joe was looking at him now--darkened eyes, head dipped, lips parted--nearly made Amir forget the shower.

“You’re a dangerous man, Joseph.”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Touche.” Amir unbuckled his belt almost thoughtfully, still lingering in the bathroom doorway. “I’m going now.”

“No one’s stopping you,” Joe pointed out, one brow lifting in amusement.

Finally breaking whatever spell his boyfriend had woven, Amir ducked into the bathroom and closed the door, chuckling to himself as he turned on the water and finished undressing. Whatever nerves had been settling in since dinner seemed to have dissipated, though the anticipation still remained.

By the time he returned to the bedroom, the light was off and the TV was on low. Joe was already in bed--the right side, like always--and Amir felt suddenly strange, as if he were dreaming. This man was his, and there was nothing looming, and they’d wake up in each other’s arms and probably go to IHOP for breakfast, too, and the certainty of it all was sort of baffling.

“Come here. I’ve been waiting all damn day to hold you.”

Amir stood at the bedside, indecision making him fidgety. He didn’t enjoy being indecisive. It wasn’t something he usually felt. But growth was often uncomfortable and he was learning (slowly) to live with that. So, deciding his discomfort was less to do with making a decision and more to do with being needlessly nervous, Amir discarded his shirt before crawling into bed next to Joseph wearing only his boxer briefs.

“You good?” Joe asked.

“I’ll tell you if I’m not,” Amir promised.

There’d been plenty of this back in Turkey, plenty of shared nights, wrapped in each other’s arms. But having Joseph’s bare skin against his own was entirely novel and it left Amir feeling predictably dizzy and breathless and weak--all things he’d never actively wanted to feel until meeting Joseph.

“Easy,” Joe murmured, stilling when Amir’s breath hitched as his hand slid over the smaller man’s ribs, drawing him closer. “Remember, it’s just me.”

“You say that as if I don't want you like crazy,” Amir laughed, though the sound came out a little strangled.

“You want me, huh?” Even if he weren't looking at him, Amir would've heard the proud grin in his voice.

“Wasn't aware your ego needed stroking.” Amir covered Joseph's hand and lifted it so he could roll onto his side, bringing them face to face.

“Nah. Just like hearing you talk like that is all,” Joe said as Amir pressed their joined hands just under his ribs.

“Noted,” Amir breathed, a little distracted again by how Joseph’s touch spurred heat under his skin.

“Can I kiss you?”

“You don't have to ask.”

“I'm gonna be doing a lot of asking so get used to it,” Joe said, leaning in to brush his lips tenderly over Amir’s.

Maybe Joseph was right to ask, because kissing him felt markedly different--more. There was a slow sort of heat that usually crept in over several long minutes. His mouth yielded easily to the gentle sweep of Joe’s tongue, and Amir didn't quite stifle the low moan that spilled from his throat. From the way Joe audibly exhaled, his fingers flexing just the slightest bit, Amir knew he was feeling the same.

The space between them was only notable because there was any and when Amir tried to move closer, Joseph stopped him.

“What's wrong?” 

“Nothing. I just...Are you sure? Because this is gonna feel a whole lot harder to stop if you do what you're trying to do,” Joe explained.

“Absolutely positive,” Amir affirmed, grateful for Joseph, for his thoughtfulness. It was the reason he wasn't afraid.

“Alright,” Joe said, leaning in to kiss Amir again. “I'm gonna keep checking.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

This time, when Joseph kissed him, Amir moved closer. Until he could feel the steady rise and fall of Joseph's chest against his own, until the heat of his skin started seeping into Amir, and any bit of anxiety he may have felt ebbed into the quiet sort of comfort he’d always felt.

That feeling didn’t go away--not when Joseph’s palm stroked over him, not when the heat of his mouth enveloped him, not when his pleasure was coaxed out of him, leaving him quivering and panting Joseph’s name. All Amir felt, despite the vulnerability, was safe, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that. But Joseph gathered him into his arms, and the luxury of tabling his feelings for tomorrow wasn’t lost on Amir. He fell asleep and didn’t dream and it was the best sleep he’d had in years.

***

They were somewhere in Minnesota when Amir woke up to an empty bed. He found Joseph on the porch of the little cabin they’d rented, just sitting, still and quiet.

“This is the first time it’s been hard for me to come back,” Joseph said, after Amir had stood there for a minute. “Every time, it kinda feels like a vacation, you know? It’s not really coming home. I know home is with my guys and my guns and my missions.”

“Mmm,” Amir hummed, sinking into the chair next to the other man. The stars were especially bright out here, like they were back in Turkey, and the full-circle moment wasn’t lost on him. But the picnic table and the unforgiving cold bleakness of the desert felt a lifetime away.

“But now...I dunno. I have more, I guess.” Joseph paused and glanced over at him. “With you.”

Amir thought about their conversation back in the hotel room after Preach, what McGuire had said about revenge and making people suffer. About the cost of doing this job, about the feeling he’d had just nights ago, falling asleep in the safety of the arms of the man he loved. And about what that feeling meant--the risk. There was Preach and there was Vallins and before either of them, there had been so many more.

“I’d never ask you to give any of this up,” Amir said, but it wasn’t the point and he knew it.

“And if I’m telling you I might want to?”

“I’d say you have five more weeks to think it over and maybe 3am isn’t the best time to be making life-changing decisions,” Amir teased gently. “But,” he added. “Maybe there’s a point where we’ve suffered enough. Maybe we deserve a little happiness. You told me once, that this was worth fighting for. And you were right. I think maybe there’s some value in reevaluating what that means.”

“I said that, huh?” Joseph grinned at him and Amir chuckled.

“Sometimes, you make sense. It’s rare, but it does happen,” he volleyed easily.

“Oh-ho, here I am trying to be emotionally vulnerable and you’re teasing me? I see how it is. I’m hurt.”

Amir snorted.

“Come back to bed, Joseph.”

“I like when you order me around…”

“Absolutely incorrigible,” Amir sighed, amused.

Settled into bed again, listening to Joseph’s quiet snoring, he imagined a life of normalcy. For the first time in his adult memory, the thought didn’t grip him with dread. Maybe they’d paid their dues, maybe it was time for a new kind of madness. Amir found he didn’t mind the idea at all.


End file.
